I've always wondered if there is anyone else in this world feeling the same way as I do.
The desperation, the cries, the feeling of having to get back up on your feet with whatever you have, fighting against your own will, picking up your own guts to do what you are most afraid of.
Does anyone ever had to go thru so much on the route to happiness?
I promised myself during the last heartbreak, that I would never do this to myself again.
The torture, it's just too much for me to endure.
With just as many loved ones around me to reach out to, I still couldn't help but choose to survive it all on my own.
Oh, what else do I have to lose when all I have had been lost.
Survival, is easy now.
Just sufficient food intake to give me energy, water to keep me hydrated, some rest to spare me moments of agony.
That alone is enough for me to survive.
But that doesn't mean I am living.
I had no idea where did the past few months went to..
I simply survived it.
All I know is it's August now and I won't be knowing what I am going to do till someone makes some drastic changes in my life.
I'm unaware of who might be reading this post.
But I hope you don't just judge me by my words because this blog just sums up a part of my life.
A dark part which I would rather keep it to myself but I just had to share it somewhere.
Here's the thing.
Back in those days, I vowed to myself not to fall in love until I feel that it is the right time because back then, I had to let go of someone I loved and it ripped me apart.
In order for the wound to get healed, there was only one thing I could do, and that is to let time do what it possibly could.
I had no idea where that would lead me to but I simply just did what I could because I know the road ahead of me is still long and I didn't have to be afraid of not having someone to love again.
In the process of healing, I met many new friends who're really nice.
Then the saying 'people come, people go' comes into play.
Partly because of my own ego, I had many good friends leaving me.
Except someone who has been there for me, supporting me, guiding me, caring for me.
Funny how it felt that distance didn't matter at all.
Cos what's far felt so near, so close that I could literally feel the warmth.
It's ironic how I could count the number of times we met with my fingers, and yet I still could say how much I love him, how much I am willing to let go of so many things in my life just to be with him.
There is just so much things that I wish I could do with him, I want to give him as much happiness, I want him to be the glory of my life, I want to spend my lifetime having to wake up next to him. I want to be the reason for his smile.
Seems like living a life of fairytale requires more than just pure efforts and hard work.
And fairytales, are too good to be true.
He may not be the prince charming who owns a palace of gold, and a kingdom of people who would give respect. He may not be the one wearing that shiny armor, riding on a white horse, and fighting to defend and protect the princess against the evil queen.
BUT hey, he's everything to me.
He has the ability to make me smile, he can make me feel that nothing else matters as long as he is there with me, he makes me feel like a princess, he completes the missing part of me.
He may be a nobody to others but he is definitely a gem to me.
I would give my all to fight for him.
Now I sound so cliche, i bet the one reading this is just gonna smirk at me.
Well, that being said, it's just my own willingness and my own wishful thinking.
I guess I'm not that great and worthy enough for him to fight for.
I couldn't give him that reason to hold onto, to work harder for the future.
I should have known that I am incapable of doing so, before it turned out this way.
Maybe I was being too caught up with so much affection, too comfortable in his warm arms.
Maybe I am just selfish.
Too selfish to let go of what's not meant to be mine, and forcing nature to go according to my likings.
Life's so ironic.
As much as people would fight for that 1% chance of living, I would fight for that 1% chance of being the one for him, if there ever was that 1%.
The desperation, the cries, the feeling of having to get back up on your feet with whatever you have, fighting against your own will, picking up your own guts to do what you are most afraid of.
Does anyone ever had to go thru so much on the route to happiness?
I promised myself during the last heartbreak, that I would never do this to myself again.
The torture, it's just too much for me to endure.
With just as many loved ones around me to reach out to, I still couldn't help but choose to survive it all on my own.
Oh, what else do I have to lose when all I have had been lost.
Survival, is easy now.
Just sufficient food intake to give me energy, water to keep me hydrated, some rest to spare me moments of agony.
That alone is enough for me to survive.
But that doesn't mean I am living.
I had no idea where did the past few months went to..
I simply survived it.
All I know is it's August now and I won't be knowing what I am going to do till someone makes some drastic changes in my life.
I'm unaware of who might be reading this post.
But I hope you don't just judge me by my words because this blog just sums up a part of my life.
A dark part which I would rather keep it to myself but I just had to share it somewhere.
Here's the thing.
Back in those days, I vowed to myself not to fall in love until I feel that it is the right time because back then, I had to let go of someone I loved and it ripped me apart.
In order for the wound to get healed, there was only one thing I could do, and that is to let time do what it possibly could.
I had no idea where that would lead me to but I simply just did what I could because I know the road ahead of me is still long and I didn't have to be afraid of not having someone to love again.
In the process of healing, I met many new friends who're really nice.
Then the saying 'people come, people go' comes into play.
Partly because of my own ego, I had many good friends leaving me.
Except someone who has been there for me, supporting me, guiding me, caring for me.
Funny how it felt that distance didn't matter at all.
Cos what's far felt so near, so close that I could literally feel the warmth.
It's ironic how I could count the number of times we met with my fingers, and yet I still could say how much I love him, how much I am willing to let go of so many things in my life just to be with him.
There is just so much things that I wish I could do with him, I want to give him as much happiness, I want him to be the glory of my life, I want to spend my lifetime having to wake up next to him. I want to be the reason for his smile.
Seems like living a life of fairytale requires more than just pure efforts and hard work.
And fairytales, are too good to be true.
He may not be the prince charming who owns a palace of gold, and a kingdom of people who would give respect. He may not be the one wearing that shiny armor, riding on a white horse, and fighting to defend and protect the princess against the evil queen.
BUT hey, he's everything to me.
He has the ability to make me smile, he can make me feel that nothing else matters as long as he is there with me, he makes me feel like a princess, he completes the missing part of me.
He may be a nobody to others but he is definitely a gem to me.
I would give my all to fight for him.
Now I sound so cliche, i bet the one reading this is just gonna smirk at me.
Well, that being said, it's just my own willingness and my own wishful thinking.
I guess I'm not that great and worthy enough for him to fight for.
I couldn't give him that reason to hold onto, to work harder for the future.
I should have known that I am incapable of doing so, before it turned out this way.
Maybe I was being too caught up with so much affection, too comfortable in his warm arms.
Maybe I am just selfish.
Too selfish to let go of what's not meant to be mine, and forcing nature to go according to my likings.
Life's so ironic.
As much as people would fight for that 1% chance of living, I would fight for that 1% chance of being the one for him, if there ever was that 1%.
Believe me when i say i've been in your position. Literally. I've felt what you feel for years. I know the feeling of that uncertainty. And if he, the one you're talking about, is really him, the one i suspect it to be, i only have one advice for you. Let him go.
ReplyDeleteIf he really means it this time, he will step up and fight for you. But if he still do the things he does with girls, it means he doesn't even worth a penny.
You deserve to be happy. You will find someone who will adore you, wanna make you happy and love you more than his own life.
That guy has issues that he has to solve it by himself.
Don't get me wrong, i don't hate the guy, i feel sorry for him. He missed a lot of things you could offer. He missed the chances of being happy.
So, here comes the 2nd advice, don't hate him. He's just one of the lesson in life.
And you're right. Time solves. Time heals.
Be happy ��
I may not know who you are, but thanks for the advices :)
ReplyDeleteMy advice, ask him directly. I should also have did it years ago, same experience here.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't blame yourself for doing your best to love :)